This summer threw me completely off of track; two deaths of beloved family members in 3 months, my health going to crap, too many so-called friends deciding not to talk to me anymore, being dumped by a guy who had come into my life, slow freight and too much time off; all of this happened in three months; put my reasoning abilities in neutral for a while. I became obsessed with stupid people who I allowed myself to focus on to the detriment of myself and my reputation. Why did I do this…I had to think why I had and finally have it figured out with a little help from some friends.
My mind could not deal with all the personal pain in too little time so totally focused on a small group of silly people to be angry with so I would not have to feel the losses suffered thru the summer. I did not knowingly do this, it was my mind protecting me. This is not to say that I was not aware of my anger, of course I was, but I did not realize that it was out of proportion to the small group’s actions. I got off the track of my usual life.
What finally brought this being off track home to me was a comment from the media director of an organization I belong to who had contacted me about something unrelated. I have the utmost respect for this person and what she said and my reply brought me up short after the conversation ended. Who had I become, an angry defensive woman obsessed over bullshit?
I am many things beyond being a truck driver, but most of all, I am a teacher who works with new and prospective drivers on various sites along with my own yahoo group. I am also an advocate and activist within the trucking industry to work towards bettering the industry for all of its drivers. I write about trucking issues and my political take on things…I revel in writing and teaching, yet I had even gotten off of track on doing that. I had become consumed by anger and focused on negative things instead of the positive work I have been involved in for decades.
Well my friends, the the wrecker crew is on site and I am slowly getting back on the track thanks to my friends who showed me how badly I had crashed. It is not going to be easy because I miss my brother so desperately and still feel the lack of his anchoring presence to the depth of my soul, but I can do it.
This blog site is one of the first steps back. Here I can share my thoughts and knowledge and yes, even just my opinions with people who choose to come here. Perhaps I can make some new friends to discuss life and its issues with, only the Lady knows. The bottom line is that I will survive as I have always survived; perhaps more battered, dented and with rusty cracks, but isn’t that what survival is all about; patching one’s self up and keeping on keeping on?
Thanks to the people who helped me see how badly off track I had become, I am working on repairs now and it might take me a little time to get back to where I was, so please bear with me; I will need you to lean on for a little while longer to regain my strength of mind and get that same mind focused on positive things instead of negative things, but I am working on it with your help and the Lady’s.