Do You Really Want Honesty?

Being on dating sites for years, I have encountered many different men through these dating sites resulting in emails and phone calls between us.  An underlying theme in dating site profiles is that the person wants someone who is honest and not a liar.  I can relate totally to that, I hate a liar worse than almost anything else and pride myself on being 100% honest both with others and myself, so I tend to try to establish contact with men who say that they want that in their profiles…and who appear interesting.  The funny thing is though, I find many of these same men, who state they want and appreciate total honesty do not like women who are totally honest when it comes down to it.

When I speak about being totally honest, of course I am not referring to the socially correct little white lies we all have to make to remain civil.  For example, if someone invites you for dinner at their home, serves you shoe leather and used oil for dinner, you of course would tell that little lie when asked if you enjoyed it.  “Oh, what an interesting combination of flavors!” you might respond.  Those types of dishonesty are acceptable.

We all shoot ourselves in our own foot at times by asking stupid questions.  A driver I once knew was gung ho about getting his fuel bonus from his company and would not idle his truck for any reason at any time.  We were talking on the phone and he said he was in Phoenix Arizona and had been there three days.  Then he asked a stupid question, he said, “It has been 109 degrees here and I have not idled the truck at all, I suppose you think I am an idiot.”  Wrong person to ask, as he should have known, I said, “yes, you could get hyperthermia, heat stroke, dehydration while you sleep and die.”  Funny, though he had said he appreciated total honesty in his profile, and he did after all ask, I have never spoken to him again.

When I really like a person, male or female, I treat them as I do my friend of 32 years Sissy.  Sissy and I are totally honest with each other, if one of us is on the wrong path, we say so firmly and often until whomever is on the wrong path starts thinking clearly again.  We have been that way with each other since we first met and it works, keeping us both on the right paths thru life for the most part.  Yes, sometimes, we get angry at each other but never for long, never longer than a day.  I have several longtime friends like that, though not for as long, eight or nine years of friendship; they appreciate my honesty and my willingness to say what I think…they know I care about them.

Sometimes the truth hurts.  I have another longtime male friend who, at one time, I thought I was in love with.  We talked for hours daily on the phone and had dated a few times, crossing paths for a meal or coffee, at least I thought of them as dates.  I told him one night on the phone about my increasing feelings for him and he, being a totally honest person, told me that he was not attracted to me that way; he could not have a romantic relationship with a larger woman.  I was heartbroken, but we kept talking though and remain friends to this day.  His new wife and I are friends now too; yes, she is a little woman.

The truth really hurts when someone is doing something that is not good for themselves or others and someone tells them about it.  No one likes being told they are doing something that is harmful to others or themselves, one tends to get defensive about it, even if a friend tells them.  Sometimes, they might even think that the honest person does not care about them, so they end the friendship.  When this happens to me, that someone quits being a friend for my being honest with them about whatever it is, I am reminded of that movie “A Few Good Men” when Kaffee says, “ I want the truth!” and Jessep replies,  “You can’t handle the truth!”  Though many people say they want total honesty from someone, in reality, they want only what they want to hear, affirmation of whatever they want or are doing; not at times, what they need to hear.







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